I did not like Skyfall

Just saw the new Bond movie, Skyfall. What a butt-stupid movie!

Whoever wrote that thing should be fired, all three of them!

(Which means they’re now Hollywood’s go-to directors of choice and will write half the films coming out in the next three-five years since the movie made a zillion bucks!)

 

Total, Utter and Complete SPOILERS! (Just stop reading now if you don’t want to be spoiled!)

 

Not kidding!

 

Okay. When I use the words “plot” and “Skyfall”, I’m using these words in the loosest possible connection to each other; because, for all intensive purposes, this movie doesn’t have a plot, just a rambling semi-coherent narrative.

I think it’s best to just take it from the Villain’s side. So here’s the Villain’s “plan”…

I (the villain) am a former Double-Oh agent who was left to rot by M in a Chinese prison and tortured to the point where I’m pretty crazy. (And apparently bisexual…) I eventually escaped, and decided there is nothing I want more in the world than to kill M for screwing me over.

(So far, pretty reasonable, I can see where this came from. But…)

So, in order to get revenge on M (and only M!) I become the greatest computer hacker in the world and make myself astoundingly rich and powerful on a global scale with a mercenary army.

(Well, I guess it would take power to take down someone like M…)

Then I hire a super-assassin to steal a hard-drive from British agents, which contains the list of undercover British agents throughout the world. This assassin is one of only three in the world who uses a special type of custom bullet, and I know fragments of one of these bullets will be lodged in James Bond when he tries to stop my assassin. (And apparently, my super-assassin ONLY used his special bullets on Bond as he tried really hard to kill him, not the other four agents or numerous bystanders he killed…Or at least nobody in the forensics team bothered to run a check on the super-special bullets my assassin was spraying everywhere…)

(Err….)

Meanwhile, I will blow up M’s office (while she’s out, since I want her to suffer) in MI6 forcing them to switch to their backup headquarters in the London underground bunker system. This will also cause M to be put on trial for incompetence.

 

(But, what if they switched to another location beside the bunker? You haven’t been active for years and….okay, I’ll just go with it…)

 

Then, M will send James Bond after the assassin, and he’ll see the assassin kill some guy who likes art, and kill him, but at the same time Bond will see my femme fatale former-Macau prostitute girlfriend in the next building and find the poker-chip I gave the assassin for payment in his assassin kit. He’ll use that poker-chip to travel to a casino and find my girlfriend, seduce her, and she’ll lead him to me! Smart, right? (Oh, and I’ll have lots of people try to kill him really hard while this is going on.)

Then, my girlfriend will bring Bond to my private island where I will ask him to become my bitch, then give him a gun and he’ll kill all my guards and take me prisoner.

(I hate it when that happens.)

So I will be taken to the London MI6 backup base where I will be put in a plexiglass and plastic cell in the middle of a stone room under a bright light because I have magnet superpowers that can open locks. (Oh wait, that’s Magneto! Nevermind!) But you see, this is all part of my clever plan! For you see, I wanted to be caught!  I wanted them to bring me and my harddrives into the MI6 base so that when they decrypt my hard-drives it will cause all the doors to open and let me escape into the London tube system. (Which is why I wanted them to switch to their backup base.)

There, my men will meet me (because I arranged all of this beforehand) and give me a police uniform so that I can travel by subway to meet other men halfway across London in a car and attack the courtroom where M is under review (which is also part of my clever plan) and kill her and a bunch of nobody government ministers.

Foolproof! The perfect revenge!

(end of plan)

So, as you can see, the villain’s entire “plan” is basically praying that a bunch of co-incidences happen and he gets a chance to meet M and kill her.

This for the man that was capable to blowing up her office with her in it (which he didn’t do), and who had a list that pretty much every country and intelligence broker in the world wanted. (Why not just offer to give it to the one that brought him M? Who wasn’t prepared and didn’t know he was coming.)

OR! Better yet, since they don’t know you’re coming, and you control their computer systems- you could, you know, just fly to London, walk into MI6 HQ, and kill her. (And just leave.) At least, if that’s your goal.

But he doesn’t really have a goal, or a purpose, or a target except M.

Of course, Bond isn’t much better.

A super-hacker villain with a mercenary army is after M, so he takes her and hides out in the Scottish highlands with groundskeeper Willie where they’re isolated and have no help or support, but know the bad guys are coming because he leaves a trail. And he calls this a trap! (Hell yeah it’s a trap! For you, Bond! Ya dum f*ck!)

Apparently, there are no actual safehouses guarded by real soldiers in all of the UK.  And they can’t ask for help from…I dunno…the British SAS or someone else who might know how to fire a gun. (Despite M being one of the most powerful people in British Intelligence.)

I’m so annoyed, I’m going to stop now. I’m not even going to try to get into the meta-nature of the movie, where Bond is supposed to be at the start of his career, but makes jokes about 1960’s and 1970’s gadgets he never used in this continuity….

What a stupid f*cking movie! Is this what passes for “good” now in Hollywood? Jesus…Did nobody else notice the emperor has no clothes?

People were saying this was the rebirth of James Bond films as fun again, but it was just a bizarre combination of campy old Bond and hardcore new Bond in a random and haphazard fashion.

Awful. Awful film.

Rob

Lo Pan Style (Big Trouble in Little China/Gangnam Style Parody)

A truly great tribute to Big Trouble in Little China. (Watch for a cameo by James Hong- Lo Pan himself!)

The Next Star Wars Trilogy

Today, I was talking with my friend Mysterious Pants about the future of the Star Wars movies, and the crazy rumors swirling around what’s coming with them. Things like that they may be doing one movie a year for three years (which I believe), that Clone Wars will be yanked from Cartoon Network after this year (which could happen, given that Disney doesn’t own Cartoon Network),  and that they may bring back Darth Vader (not true, I hope).

He thinks if they bring back Vader, it will be a clone. I suspect something similar, although I was thinking it would be neat if for some reason Vader in the new trilogy is actually Luke Skywalker, who has been forced to take on the role.

But it was when we talked about what we’d like to see for the new movies that things got more interesting. George Lucas has already said they “won’t be bound by the Expanded Universe” (books, comics, etc) that have been produced in the last fifteen years, which I take to mean the period after Return of the Jedi is basically now open to a full reboot. (All that EU stuff is now alternate reality, which may or may not be true in the new movie timeline.)

This creates a lot of possibilities, but Mysterious Pants made an awesome suggestion I’d love to see.

Luke Skywalker, now an older Jedi recluse, discovers that there is a new Sith Armada (or even small Empire) sitting at the edge of the galaxy, and realizes that he needs to create a new order of Jedi to battle them. This is complicated by the fact that the Sith believe the Jedi extinct, and if they know what he’s up to are likely to jump the gun and attack the New Republic. So Luke must go on a quest to find and recruit new Jedi in secret, while avoiding Sith agents (who are also trying to secretly recruit force-users for their army) and prepare them before the enemy arrives.

This introduces a bunch of new characters, our next generation of heroes, and sets in motion a conflict for Skywalker himself- who has a decision to make. With the looming Sith threat, and an army of untrained Jedi who don’t seem ready for battle, will Luke have to make use of the one thing that could even the odds- The Dark Side of the Force?

Of course, the final film would be the Sith Invasion, and we’d end with a spectacular battle between the new order Jedi /New Republic and the returned Sith Empire. The Sith would be beaten back, but still out there, and the Jedi would have to work at rebuilding their order and replacing their losses. Thus setting the stage for future films and stories.

This would of course even lead into a new Jedi Academy series of stories and whatever else they want to do as the Star Wars universe *finally* goes forward into the future.

Sounds good to me!

Rob

‘The Star Wars That I Used To Know’ – Parody – YouTube

‘The Star Wars That I Used To Know’ – Gotye ‘Somebody That I Used To Know’ Parody – YouTube.

The Fox’s Tale- #Free On #Kindle (for this week only!)

I’ve put my newest collection of flash fiction stories The Fox’s Tale up for free on Kindle as part of my five days of Kindle Select free pricing I get every three months. So if you want to check it out and you own a kindle or use a kindle reader- check it out!

Rob

Thought for the Day: Photo Bots

I was listening to This Week in Tech today, and in this week’s show Brian Brushwood pointed out something I hadn’t thought of. There are two things on a collision course right now- Facial Recognition Technology and Privacy.

As more and more people put their information into Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and whatever else pops up, they’re leaving a huge data trail which can be used to build a profile of who they are. This is nothing new, of course, and anyone using the Web should be well aware of this. What people might not think so much about, however, is the visual presence we’re also leaving.

This will be no surprise to people who use Google’s Picasa photo organization software, but facial recognition technology that allows computers to recognize individual people is becoming faster and more accurate by the minute. The previously mentioned product automatically begins categorizing all your photos by the people in the pictures without you needing to tag them. You just need to “train” the software what people’s names are, and say whether a few unclear shots of them are that person, and it’s off and running through your collection finding them. Each new version of Picasa has gotten better and faster at this, and did I mention it’s a Google product?

So how do these two things combine, and what’s the big deal?

The big deal is that very soon it will be effortless to match that profile they’re building of you with every photo of you ever put online- even the ones you don’t know about. By this, I mean the ones where you’re in the background, or part of a group shot, or the ones that were taken at that party in high school where you were so wasted you don’t remember dancing naked on the coffee table.

Those pictures.

No picture in which you appear (unless you’re in makeup or really fuzzy) that has ever leaked online will disappear ever. Right now, they’re buried in the mass of the internet, but thanks to Bots (automated computer programs that sift through data) they can and will be found.

By the school you applied to.

By the job you applied for.

By your children.

By your friends.

By that person you just asked out… Nothing will stay buried.

It sounds like science fiction, but we already have photo search engines. Searching for people within those photos is child’s play.

It won’t be long before this includes finding people in videos online as well, it’s just a matter of time.

Make sure the image you leave is one you want remembered- because it will be.

Rob

Mythical Beasts Travel Posters

 

Check out the rest at the link below!

via Cryptomundo » Cryptotourism Travel Posters.

The Sleepover

Sigh. New kid.

Perhaps one of the coolest car commercials I have ever seen.

It helps if you understand the cultural obsession Asia has with food and food stands, but anyone can appreciate this beautiful piece of animation.

China’s Future: Military Government or Civil War?

Gordon Chang: China’s 18th Party Congress | TVO Main.

For better or worse, I think Gordon Chang is right. China is on course for what at best may be a military government, and at worst may be a full-on civil war- and it could happen literally overnight. This might not sound like a big deal to most of you reading this, but consider that China is perhaps one of the largest players in the Global Supply Chain, and is manufacturing products (or components of products) that you buy everyday. Almost all computer manufacturing, for example, is dependent on Chinese factories at some level.

If political turmoil happens, all that would literally be shut down overnight, and it could be weeks/months/years to get it back.

What will this do to the global economy?

All our eggs have been placed in one basket by greed and exploitive neo-liberal capitalism, and heaven help us if someone knocks over that basket! (A basket we have no control or influence over, I might add.)

Rob